Review: The Apocalypse

There are a billion Apocalypse movies out on the market today. You know all those trailers of buildings falling and explosions and the ground collapsing and alien ships landing and lasers and lightning clouds, and whatever. Is 'Apocalypse' supposed to be capitalized? I don't even know.

Basically, pop culture has taught me the following about the apocalypse (no capital, whaaaaat):

1. All the buildings will fall down.

2. Every possible natural disaster that could ever happen will all happen AT ONCE.

3. Despite all the buildings falling, the news stations will still somehow be broadcasting footage of all the destroying-ness, because obviously people will be glued to their TV sets instead of running around screaming.

4. The planet will explode.

None of these make any sense. Here is why:

1. Do you know how hard it is to knock down a building? It's not like knocking over dominoes, where you push one and all the rest fall down by themselves. It takes FORCE to knock down a building. You need TNT, and all kinds of shit. And sometimes that doesn't even do it, like you still need to get a wrecking ball to get rid of all that pesky steel. Is everyone under the impression that at the first suspicion of an apocalypse, all the construction companies will send out all their wrecking balls just so that the buildings will topple? No. Of course not.

Plus the buildings that are in the movies are always skyscrapers. Did you know that not every single city has skyscrapers? Did you know that tons of people don't even live in cities? Will all the ranch houses topple as well? Oh right, they can't.

You know what it is? It's discrimination against buildings that are less than 99 floors. Which is all of them, because it is entirely unnecessary for a building to be 99 floors. You know how much poverty you could feed with 99 floors? A lot.

2. A hailstorm and a tornado and a volcano and a tsunami and an earthquake and the sun exploding CANNOT ALL HAPPEN AT THE SAME TIME. Why would anyone even think that would happen. Again, totally unnecessary. Besides, all you'd really need is the earthquakes. Like in that scene from Fantasia, where there's a shit ton of earthquakes and then all the dinosaurs die. It's that simple!

Fantasia is the best movie ever.

3. Guys. Guys. This is just silly. That is all.

4. Everyone knows that humanity will be extinct looooong before the planet explodes (assuming that's even going to happen, which it probably won't). Besides, if the planet exploded then the rest of these scenarios wouldn't even happen.

Actually I'm not sure I've ever seen the planet explode in an apocalypse movie. Possibly I made that up.

Wait wait I remember it was in the movie Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer. That movie made me laugh, especially at the part where the Silver Surfer shows them images on his belly. Does he think he's a Teletubby? Because he is way to creepy to be a Teletubby.

Actually I take that back. Teletubbies are creepy as shit.