Interview with Grandpa Enoch

The other night, I interviewed my Grandpa Enoch. I chose to interview him because he is very opinionated, just like me. Some of his opinions are serious, but several are quite hilarious. The following is a sample of some of the things we talked about. Disclaimer: I also discovered through this process that I am a terrible interviewer.

Me: Do you think that you are an opinionated person?
Grandpa: Very much so.
[silence]
Me: Okay… you want to talk more about that?
Grandpa: Oh! Yes, I'm opinionated. It's not one of my better attributes.
Me: Why not?
Grandpa: Well, maybe I shouldn't have an opinion of everything.
Me: Like what?
Grandpa: Like everything! Somebody says something, and I have an opinion about it. Somebody'll say, "You know, I love scrambled eggs." Well don't you think you would like fried eggs better than scrambled eggs? Is it important that I have to express myself?
Me: I feel like that's different though, because that's an opinion on someone else's opinion.
Grandpa: Okay.
[more silence and me giggling]
Me: If you could choose three opinions that you feel strongest about and are the most important, what would they be?
Grandpa: I have an opinion which is very minor. I'll go into a store, like a market. I open the door, and there's somebody in back of me. And I hold the door open for that person, and then they walk in ahead of me and take the number before me. And I always think, all I was doing was opening the door. I wasn't saying you could go ahead of me. And I think they're oblivious, like "Oh, I'm ahead, so I can take a number." I try not to do that.
Me: But what if, instead of holding the door open, you just push it open and look behind you so they can catch it? Then you're still in front.
Grandpa: I always try to hold the door open. And then we play al fonzi gaston [this is a miscellaneous French phrase that I could not understand], that means, "No, you go!" "No, you go!" It's a very small thing.

The following question came about because Grandpa Enoch is obsessed with changing the English language. He belives the word 'horizon' should be pronounced 'hoe-ri-zun' (emphasis on the last syllable) so that it sounds more like 'horizontal', and he also believes that great-aunts and uncles should be called grand-aunts and uncles. I made up a tagline for him that goes like this: Grandpa Enoch: Rewriting the English Language since 1930 (because he was born in 1930).

Me: If you could change one word in the English language, what would it be?
Grandpa: That's a very good question.
Me: I know you've got a list of these.
Grandpa: Hm... vomit.
Me: What would you change it to?
Grandpa: Expel.
Me: Like instead, everyone would just say 'expel'?
Grandpa: See, 'vomit' is like an onomatopoeia. It sounds like it is. And in Yiddish, the word for it is called 'brech'.
Me: That's also kind of an onomatopoeia.
Grandpa: It is. And it's a classic onomatopoeia. Yeah, maybe I would change it to 'expel'. Or 'discharge'.
Me: So you'd use euphemisms?
Grandpa: Yeah, yeah. But we do a lot of... of...
Me: Vomiting?
Grandpa: No, we do use a lot of euphemisms. We do a lot of cleaning up.
Me: That's probably a good thing.
Grandpa: Sometimes I think we may overdo it.
Me: Really?
Grandpa: Yeah. And I can't give you an example.
Me: Because you know I'm going to ask.
Grandpa: Yes. Well, I can't think of anything.
Me: That's okay.

The following exchange occurred repeatedly over the course of the interview:

Me: These questions don't make any sense. I'm a the worst at interviewing.
Grandpa: You're a great interviewer!
Me: +100 Self-Esteem Points!!

Eventually we forgot about the interview and the conversation degenerated into him telling me about growing up in Chicago and old cars and this crazy road trip he took with his family as a kid for three weeks. True story.

Review of the old lady at the doctor's office

Once upon a time, I had to go to the doctor's office. I had not been to this particular doctor before, but I was in the process of switching from my pediatrician to an adult doctor and as such was having an intake appointment. They made me fast because you have to fast like 12 hours before you have a blood test, and so I was very tired and out of sorts.

So I walk in with my mom (she drove me because I was afraid I would fall asleep if I didn't eat breakfast), she sits down in the waiting room, and I go to the desk to fill out paperwork or whatever. I kind of like paperwork and filling out forms and stuff, by the way. Just FYI.

Anyway, the receptionist asks for my insurance card, and I give it to her, and she walks away for two seconds to scan a copy for the doctor's records. Meanwhile, since I'm waiting for her to come back, I stand at the desk and start filling out some of the forms. Totally boring and normal, nothing out of the ordinary.

And then SUDDENLY there is a burst of wind and in storms this little old lady. She was in a hurry, like she had so many important places to be. She walks up to the desk, which is pretty small, and kind of stands in front of me and nudges me and my clipboard of forms out of the way. And I didn't really know what to do, so I stepped backward and continued to fill out my forms and wait for the return of the receptionist.

The receptionist comes back and tries to talk to me and hand me back my insurance card, but this lady butts in and says, "I have an appointment to give blood!" Which is great and all, but I don't understand why it's necessary to shove me out of the way in order to do so.

So the receptionist smiles and tells her to sit down, and someone will be right with her. And the lady sits down, and she looks kind of pissed, like since she is giving blood she is the most important person in the room (which only has three people in it, two of which were me and my mom).

A few minutes go by, and the doctor comes to the doorway and sticks his head in to look in the waiting room. Before he can even say anything, the lady jumps up and yells, "I'm giving blood!"

And the doctor looks at her and smiles and says, "That's great," and then he looks at me and says, "Beth?" and then I get to have my appointment. And the lady is FUMING because she is obviously so much more important than everybody else, even if the other people were there before her, and everyone is ignoring her precedence over other people, since she is clearly the only person who gives blood in the entire universe.

Lady, donating your bodily fluids to other people doesn't mean that you always get to go first. On the contrary, maybe you shouldn't be giving blood because yours is obviously contaminated with Snob. Plus, you don't know that the people you're trying to step on haven't given blood themselves. In fact, some of us have repeatedly been turned away for not having enough iron. SO. You, lady, are 100% a rotten tomato. F-.