Skymall Review: Flair Hair Visor

You know what would be an excellent idea? Take a visor, put some bizarre fake hair on it, and give it to a bald person to wear!

Did I say excellent? I meant to say the absolute worst ever.

Say hello to the Flair Hair Visor!

Hello sir!

I really, really want to know who came up with this so that I can go glue one to their scalp. That way, they will have to spend the rest of their lives with their own horrific product attached to their body and making them look like the ugly abomination that they are. It's a very evil sentiment, but I think it is reasonable in this situation.

I also want to know what this person was thinking when this idea popped into their head. Maybe they were sitting on the curb outside of the U.S. Patent Office, their patent for the Litter-snack 3000 clutched in their sweaty palms (the Litter-snack 3000 is a litter box that doubles as a sandwich-maker), when a sad looking bald man walked by. And this person watched the sad looking bald man, and they thought-- what could I possibly do to cheer up that bald guy? And then BRILLIANCE struck! The person ripped up the patent for the Littersnack 3000, ran home and shaved their cat, glued the cat hair on top of a visor, and...... THE FLAIR HAIR WAS BORN!

The cat was probably a Maine Coon because they have very long hairs.

Exhibit A: That tail is not normal.

According to the description on Skymall's website, "It's a laugh a minute with this spiked hair hat!"

Let's think about that for a minute, Skymall. I believe the average laugh is approximately one 'ha'. Do you know how long it takes to say one 'ha'? I just timed myself, and it takes about half a second. In the time that your Flair Hair Visor produced one 'ha', this youtube video compilation of the Harlem Shake got 3,609,563 likes. That is OVER. 3. MILLION.

Let's break this down mathematically:

The youtube video is 27 minutes and 44 seconds long. 3,609,563 laughs over 27:44 minutes equals roughly 2,169 laughs per second. The Flair Hair Visor, at 1 laugh per minute, produces the equivalent of approximately 0.02 laughs per second. That is a HUGE difference. Even the average person has about 2 laughs per second, based on my own observations (a.k.a. I made it up)!

The Flair Hair Visor is clearly way out of its league here. It's like bragging about how fast your pet snail is to your friend that has a bio-engineered cheetah that can break the sound barrier. It's like... dude. What are you doing. You are embarrassing yourself.


But it turns out that you can still make money off of stupid things. Just take a look at the customer ratings and reviews.

On April 23, 2013, user jkhamerjo wrote: "This is a great conversation piece. I would highly recommend it."

There are exactly two possible conversations about this product: A) What the fuck is wrong with you, and B) Please stop talking to me, stranger with the bizarre hat. Jkhamerjo, what kind of conversations are you having?

On January 17, 2013, user Kathryn2013 wrote:  "My husband has had lots of fun with this product and he loves how real the hair on the hat looks. We will be purchasing more colors"

Uh. That's not what real hair looks like, Kathryn. Have fun with those colors.

On January 8, 2013, user MontanaMama wrote: "My husband is bald and loves this hat . He tells people that he has been taking a hair growth formula."

Really. Does he also tell them that he has been taking a HAT growth formula?


But we've saved the best for last. User canman (from Florida) gave the Hair Flair only ONE STAR. Why such a dismal review?
 

"Cons: wrong item

"I was sent the blonde flair hair by error. I sent it back. I reordered a gray hair flair.""

 

Mr. canman, that was the best story I've ever read in my entire life. And it ended on such a cliffhanger! What will happen to our hero's order? Will he receive the gray Hair Flair as promised? Will the visor perform to his standards? Will he be satisfied with his brand new Hair Flair Visor???? Tune in next week to find out!

But not really because I don't actually care.

Review of the Plague

There aren't many people today who were alive at the time of the Plague. Plague is capitalized because this is her majesty The Plague that we're talking about. THE. PLAGUE.

The Plague had lasting effects on our society, including an irrational hatred of rats that has persisted in society to this very day. Rats are awesome. They even clean themselves, just like cats!

I LOVE RAAAAAAAATS!!!!!!



The number one reason that the Plague sucks is because of the following:

Dun dun duuuuuuuun!!!

The above picture is of a doctor. According to Wikipedia, being a plague doctor was basically the worst job ever. You had to wear that creepy-as-fuck mask, and it was filled with "aromatic items". Wikipedia does not specify what kind of aromatic items were put inside this mask. Considering the Middle Ages was also known as the Age of Bad Smells, that mask could have been filled with anything from rose petals to old gym socks. Have you ever smelled old gym socks? Because they are shnasty mcnasty.

Besides the smelly mask, plague doctors were not even real doctors. Some were shitty doctors who couldn't get jobs anywhere else, but many were just regular old people who couldn't find regular old jobs and so took up the task of "treating the Plague", aka making shit up.

Can you imagine going to the doctor's office and finding that not only has your doctor mistaken a Halloween costume for a surgical mask, but your doctor knows less about medicine than you do. Also, the preferred method of treatment is arbitrarily removing bodily fluids in hopes that your nose will stop running. NO DOCTOR. THAT WILL NOT WORK. WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT WOULD WORK. Oh right, because you're a lumberjack disguised as a doctor. Well then.




This post is dedicated to all rats, who are my BFFs.

I don't know the names of these rats because I took this picture from the internet.

Look at those smushies, they are so cute I just want to smoosh them boobooblurgleawwcutesounds.