Interview with Grandpa Enoch

The other night, I interviewed my Grandpa Enoch. I chose to interview him because he is very opinionated, just like me. Some of his opinions are serious, but several are quite hilarious. The following is a sample of some of the things we talked about. Disclaimer: I also discovered through this process that I am a terrible interviewer.

Me: Do you think that you are an opinionated person?
Grandpa: Very much so.
[silence]
Me: Okay… you want to talk more about that?
Grandpa: Oh! Yes, I'm opinionated. It's not one of my better attributes.
Me: Why not?
Grandpa: Well, maybe I shouldn't have an opinion of everything.
Me: Like what?
Grandpa: Like everything! Somebody says something, and I have an opinion about it. Somebody'll say, "You know, I love scrambled eggs." Well don't you think you would like fried eggs better than scrambled eggs? Is it important that I have to express myself?
Me: I feel like that's different though, because that's an opinion on someone else's opinion.
Grandpa: Okay.
[more silence and me giggling]
Me: If you could choose three opinions that you feel strongest about and are the most important, what would they be?
Grandpa: I have an opinion which is very minor. I'll go into a store, like a market. I open the door, and there's somebody in back of me. And I hold the door open for that person, and then they walk in ahead of me and take the number before me. And I always think, all I was doing was opening the door. I wasn't saying you could go ahead of me. And I think they're oblivious, like "Oh, I'm ahead, so I can take a number." I try not to do that.
Me: But what if, instead of holding the door open, you just push it open and look behind you so they can catch it? Then you're still in front.
Grandpa: I always try to hold the door open. And then we play al fonzi gaston [this is a miscellaneous French phrase that I could not understand], that means, "No, you go!" "No, you go!" It's a very small thing.

The following question came about because Grandpa Enoch is obsessed with changing the English language. He belives the word 'horizon' should be pronounced 'hoe-ri-zun' (emphasis on the last syllable) so that it sounds more like 'horizontal', and he also believes that great-aunts and uncles should be called grand-aunts and uncles. I made up a tagline for him that goes like this: Grandpa Enoch: Rewriting the English Language since 1930 (because he was born in 1930).

Me: If you could change one word in the English language, what would it be?
Grandpa: That's a very good question.
Me: I know you've got a list of these.
Grandpa: Hm... vomit.
Me: What would you change it to?
Grandpa: Expel.
Me: Like instead, everyone would just say 'expel'?
Grandpa: See, 'vomit' is like an onomatopoeia. It sounds like it is. And in Yiddish, the word for it is called 'brech'.
Me: That's also kind of an onomatopoeia.
Grandpa: It is. And it's a classic onomatopoeia. Yeah, maybe I would change it to 'expel'. Or 'discharge'.
Me: So you'd use euphemisms?
Grandpa: Yeah, yeah. But we do a lot of... of...
Me: Vomiting?
Grandpa: No, we do use a lot of euphemisms. We do a lot of cleaning up.
Me: That's probably a good thing.
Grandpa: Sometimes I think we may overdo it.
Me: Really?
Grandpa: Yeah. And I can't give you an example.
Me: Because you know I'm going to ask.
Grandpa: Yes. Well, I can't think of anything.
Me: That's okay.

The following exchange occurred repeatedly over the course of the interview:

Me: These questions don't make any sense. I'm a the worst at interviewing.
Grandpa: You're a great interviewer!
Me: +100 Self-Esteem Points!!

Eventually we forgot about the interview and the conversation degenerated into him telling me about growing up in Chicago and old cars and this crazy road trip he took with his family as a kid for three weeks. True story.

Review of Grandparents

Badass Percentage:

Anyone who has grandparents should consider themselves lucky. Though grandparents can often be a source of annoyance, headaches, and politically incorrect humor, they can also be a source of inspiration. For example, if your grandparent was a badass back in the day, then you will be known as "that kid with the badass grandpa/grandma". Qualifications for being badass include being sassy, having tattoos, playing sports, buying you stuff like candy and beer, not telling your parents all your secrets, and having a bigger attitude than the baristas at one of those dive-coffee places.

Kvetch Intensity:

Of course, you could be cursed with a grandparent who scores low in the "Badass Level" category. These are the kind of grandparents that have a house that smells like stale macaroni and cheese, or pull their pants all the way up to their chest hair, or tell you that you "need to learn how to keep a house so that you can find a nice man and settle down". These grandparents are the ones who call when they don't receive a thank-you note within 6 1/2 days of your cousin Clare's bat mitzvah, regardless of the fact that Clare lives in a bungalow in Arkansas and is technically only your fourth cousin twice removed, and possibly isn't even related to your grandparent at all. These grandparents think it's rude to even acknowledge your phone's existence while in their presence, yet don't see the irony when they say "You never call!" This particular species of grandparent is under the impression that driving laws have not changed since 1940 when they got their license, and are outraged when they are sentenced to traffic school for going 55 mph in a 20 mph zone. 

"Back in my day, they taught you to speed in order to pass a car!" 

"But Grandma, you were passing a school bus. A stopped school bus. In a school zone."

"They make it up just to harass a poor old lady."

The "harassing a poor old lady/man" line is one that is frequently heard directed at traffic cops, secretaries at the doctor's office, the condo association, and anyone that requires them to fill out a form.

Spoiling Score:

The abysmal ratings in the "Kvetch Intensity" category brings the overall score down by quite a bit. But the phenomenal rankings in the “Spoiling” category bring Grandparents up to a passable grade. When you get strep throat, grandparents are always the first to show up at the front door with a pint of ice cream from Baskin Robbins, balloons, and one of those greeting cards that plays “Disco Inferno” when you open it. Grandparents are also the first volunteers for any babysitting, carpooling, and entertaining needs that come up. For example, when Fantasia 2000 comes out in theaters, your grandma has no complaints when you beg her to take you to see it in IMAX. 50+ viewings later, Grandma still isn’t complaining. They sang you nonsense songs you were a baby, let you get a waffle cone even when you dripped chocolate ice cream all over their clothes, and bought you new Tamagotchi pets when your old ones died (they didn't understand how the reset button worked).


Final Review:

Grandparents are like smoothies. On a hot day, a smoothie is creamy and delicious. Grandparents are also creamy and delicious in good conditions. On a blizzarding day, a smoothie will give you frostbite. Grandparents will also give you frostbite, specifically if they disown you and cut you out of their will (this is a metaphorical frostbite). Also sometimes smoothies have unblended bits of fruit in the bottom, and then when you try to suck it up the straw a giant chunk of banana clogs it and it's just a mess. Like it's good, and you're enjoying it, and then out of nowhere it gets gross and weird. So to grandparents can be fun and hilarious, and then come out with one of those weird old-people things like talking about their warts and how their warts all have arthritis. Maybe that's just my grandparents.