Remember the One-of-a-Kind Shirt post that I made a hundred years ago (aka last month)? I have found the identity of the creator, thanks to the lovely Tampa Bay Times. Click here to read the article about Mr. Jeffery Nagle, who has apparently sold 165 shirts at the time this was written. That's 165 people who I will never ever be friends with.
Bonus: the lady who wrote this article is also named Beth! Hello fellow Beth!
Showing posts with label clothes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label clothes. Show all posts
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Monday, April 29, 2013
Skymall Review: Flair Hair Visor
You know what would be an excellent idea? Take a visor, put some bizarre fake hair on it, and give it to a bald person to wear!
Did I say excellent? I meant to say the absolute worst ever.
Say hello to the Flair Hair Visor!
I really, really want to know who came up with this so that I can go glue one to their scalp. That way, they will have to spend the rest of their lives with their own horrific product attached to their body and making them look like the ugly abomination that they are. It's a very evil sentiment, but I think it is reasonable in this situation.
I also want to know what this person was thinking when this idea popped into their head. Maybe they were sitting on the curb outside of the U.S. Patent Office, their patent for the Litter-snack 3000 clutched in their sweaty palms (the Litter-snack 3000 is a litter box that doubles as a sandwich-maker), when a sad looking bald man walked by. And this person watched the sad looking bald man, and they thought-- what could I possibly do to cheer up that bald guy? And then BRILLIANCE struck! The person ripped up the patent for the Littersnack 3000, ran home and shaved their cat, glued the cat hair on top of a visor, and...... THE FLAIR HAIR WAS BORN!
The cat was probably a Maine Coon because they have very long hairs.
According to the description on Skymall's website, "It's a laugh a minute with this spiked hair hat!"
Let's think about that for a minute, Skymall. I believe the average laugh is approximately one 'ha'. Do you know how long it takes to say one 'ha'? I just timed myself, and it takes about half a second. In the time that your Flair Hair Visor produced one 'ha', this youtube video compilation of the Harlem Shake got 3,609,563 likes. That is OVER. 3. MILLION.
Let's break this down mathematically:
The youtube video is 27 minutes and 44 seconds long. 3,609,563 laughs over 27:44 minutes equals roughly 2,169 laughs per second. The Flair Hair Visor, at 1 laugh per minute, produces the equivalent of approximately 0.02 laughs per second. That is a HUGE difference. Even the average person has about 2 laughs per second, based on my own observations (a.k.a. I made it up)!
The Flair Hair Visor is clearly way out of its league here. It's like bragging about how fast your pet snail is to your friend that has a bio-engineered cheetah that can break the sound barrier. It's like... dude. What are you doing. You are embarrassing yourself.
But it turns out that you can still make money off of stupid things. Just take a look at the customer ratings and reviews.
On April 23, 2013, user jkhamerjo wrote: "This is a great conversation piece. I would highly recommend it."
There are exactly two possible conversations about this product: A) What the fuck is wrong with you, and B) Please stop talking to me, stranger with the bizarre hat. Jkhamerjo, what kind of conversations are you having?
On January 17, 2013, user Kathryn2013 wrote: "My husband has had lots of fun with this product and he loves how real the hair on the hat looks. We will be purchasing more colors"
Uh. That's not what real hair looks like, Kathryn. Have fun with those colors.
On January 8, 2013, user MontanaMama wrote: "My husband is bald and loves this hat . He tells people that he has been taking a hair growth formula."
Really. Does he also tell them that he has been taking a HAT growth formula?
But we've saved the best for last. User canman (from Florida) gave the Hair Flair only ONE STAR. Why such a dismal review?
Mr. canman, that was the best story I've ever read in my entire life. And it ended on such a cliffhanger! What will happen to our hero's order? Will he receive the gray Hair Flair as promised? Will the visor perform to his standards? Will he be satisfied with his brand new Hair Flair Visor???? Tune in next week to find out!
But not really because I don't actually care.
Did I say excellent? I meant to say the absolute worst ever.
Say hello to the Flair Hair Visor!
 |
| Hello sir! |
I really, really want to know who came up with this so that I can go glue one to their scalp. That way, they will have to spend the rest of their lives with their own horrific product attached to their body and making them look like the ugly abomination that they are. It's a very evil sentiment, but I think it is reasonable in this situation.
I also want to know what this person was thinking when this idea popped into their head. Maybe they were sitting on the curb outside of the U.S. Patent Office, their patent for the Litter-snack 3000 clutched in their sweaty palms (the Litter-snack 3000 is a litter box that doubles as a sandwich-maker), when a sad looking bald man walked by. And this person watched the sad looking bald man, and they thought-- what could I possibly do to cheer up that bald guy? And then BRILLIANCE struck! The person ripped up the patent for the Littersnack 3000, ran home and shaved their cat, glued the cat hair on top of a visor, and...... THE FLAIR HAIR WAS BORN!
The cat was probably a Maine Coon because they have very long hairs.
 |
| Exhibit A: That tail is not normal. |
According to the description on Skymall's website, "It's a laugh a minute with this spiked hair hat!"
Let's think about that for a minute, Skymall. I believe the average laugh is approximately one 'ha'. Do you know how long it takes to say one 'ha'? I just timed myself, and it takes about half a second. In the time that your Flair Hair Visor produced one 'ha', this youtube video compilation of the Harlem Shake got 3,609,563 likes. That is OVER. 3. MILLION.
Let's break this down mathematically:
The youtube video is 27 minutes and 44 seconds long. 3,609,563 laughs over 27:44 minutes equals roughly 2,169 laughs per second. The Flair Hair Visor, at 1 laugh per minute, produces the equivalent of approximately 0.02 laughs per second. That is a HUGE difference. Even the average person has about 2 laughs per second, based on my own observations (a.k.a. I made it up)!
The Flair Hair Visor is clearly way out of its league here. It's like bragging about how fast your pet snail is to your friend that has a bio-engineered cheetah that can break the sound barrier. It's like... dude. What are you doing. You are embarrassing yourself.
But it turns out that you can still make money off of stupid things. Just take a look at the customer ratings and reviews.
On April 23, 2013, user jkhamerjo wrote: "This is a great conversation piece. I would highly recommend it."
There are exactly two possible conversations about this product: A) What the fuck is wrong with you, and B) Please stop talking to me, stranger with the bizarre hat. Jkhamerjo, what kind of conversations are you having?
On January 17, 2013, user Kathryn2013 wrote: "My husband has had lots of fun with this product and he loves how real the hair on the hat looks. We will be purchasing more colors"
Uh. That's not what real hair looks like, Kathryn. Have fun with those colors.
On January 8, 2013, user MontanaMama wrote: "My husband is bald and loves this hat . He tells people that he has been taking a hair growth formula."
Really. Does he also tell them that he has been taking a HAT growth formula?
But we've saved the best for last. User canman (from Florida) gave the Hair Flair only ONE STAR. Why such a dismal review?
"Cons: wrong item
"I was sent the blonde flair hair by error. I sent it back. I reordered a gray hair flair.""
But not really because I don't actually care.
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Skymall Review: One of a Kind Shirt
Skymall is my favorite magazine in the entire world (after American Way). Every single thing that is sold within those scummy germ-filled pages is something that can (and should) be mocked. The last time I went on a plane, I was actually laughing out loud while reading Skymall. In fact, I was laughing so hard that people glared at me and my mom yelled at me to shut up.
Did you know that if you hold in a laugh, it feels like you choked and got your drink stuck up your nose? True story.
One of the best items I've ever seen period, let alone in Skymall, is the infamous..... ONE OF A KIND SHIRT.
Whoever created this shirt is a sick, sick person. Brilliant, but very sick.
You know what makes this shirt so evil? Not just the fact that it makes you want to gouge out your own eyeballs, but also the fact that it costs $99.99.
With $100, I could buy 20 meals at Subway. That's 20 full $5 footlongs. Or, if your meal consists of a 6-inch tuna sub with extra cheese, chips and a drink, that money would pay for 14.8 meals. FOURTEEN MEALS.
But no. Instead, I am going to blow my money on a shirt that looks like... that.
Really what gets me is the description. This shirt is serious business.
"A One Of A Kind shirt allows you to show that you're an individual, that you're a little different than everyone else and you want them to take notice of who you are. These shirts are great for a night on the town, frat parties, bachelor parties, stag parties or any other time you want to stand out in a crowd."
What a coincidence! I was just thinking that I needed a shirt for nights on the town, frat parties, bachelor parties, and stag parties.
Stag. Parties.
(According to the internet, a 'stag party' is the same thing as a bachelor party, except the strippers and prostitutes might actually be victims of sex trafficking. So, you know, wear your classy shirt to that stag party. It fits with the theme of being a terrible, evil person.)
There's another disclaimer in the item listing:
"Because these shirts are a piece of art, the color and pattern is not revealed until the package is opened."
Announcement: these shirts are a PIECE OF ART. You can't control a piece of art. The artist must have a perfect creative environment in order to create the thing of beauty that is this shirt. You savages that don't appreciate the fine arts.
Did everyone know that pieces of art now come in bulk packages of 2 or 3? If you buy 2 Shirts From Hell, you only pay $169.99! If you buy 3, you pay $229.99! The savings are OUT OF CONTROL!
One of a kind shirts, for one of a kind men (not the good kind).
Did you know that if you hold in a laugh, it feels like you choked and got your drink stuck up your nose? True story.
One of the best items I've ever seen period, let alone in Skymall, is the infamous..... ONE OF A KIND SHIRT.
Whoever created this shirt is a sick, sick person. Brilliant, but very sick.
You know what makes this shirt so evil? Not just the fact that it makes you want to gouge out your own eyeballs, but also the fact that it costs $99.99.
With $100, I could buy 20 meals at Subway. That's 20 full $5 footlongs. Or, if your meal consists of a 6-inch tuna sub with extra cheese, chips and a drink, that money would pay for 14.8 meals. FOURTEEN MEALS.
But no. Instead, I am going to blow my money on a shirt that looks like... that.
Really what gets me is the description. This shirt is serious business.
"A One Of A Kind shirt allows you to show that you're an individual, that you're a little different than everyone else and you want them to take notice of who you are. These shirts are great for a night on the town, frat parties, bachelor parties, stag parties or any other time you want to stand out in a crowd."
What a coincidence! I was just thinking that I needed a shirt for nights on the town, frat parties, bachelor parties, and stag parties.
Stag. Parties.
(According to the internet, a 'stag party' is the same thing as a bachelor party, except the strippers and prostitutes might actually be victims of sex trafficking. So, you know, wear your classy shirt to that stag party. It fits with the theme of being a terrible, evil person.)
There's another disclaimer in the item listing:
"Because these shirts are a piece of art, the color and pattern is not revealed until the package is opened."
Announcement: these shirts are a PIECE OF ART. You can't control a piece of art. The artist must have a perfect creative environment in order to create the thing of beauty that is this shirt. You savages that don't appreciate the fine arts.
Did everyone know that pieces of art now come in bulk packages of 2 or 3? If you buy 2 Shirts From Hell, you only pay $169.99! If you buy 3, you pay $229.99! The savings are OUT OF CONTROL!
One of a kind shirts, for one of a kind men (not the good kind).
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