Review of Grandparents

Badass Percentage:

Anyone who has grandparents should consider themselves lucky. Though grandparents can often be a source of annoyance, headaches, and politically incorrect humor, they can also be a source of inspiration. For example, if your grandparent was a badass back in the day, then you will be known as "that kid with the badass grandpa/grandma". Qualifications for being badass include being sassy, having tattoos, playing sports, buying you stuff like candy and beer, not telling your parents all your secrets, and having a bigger attitude than the baristas at one of those dive-coffee places.

Kvetch Intensity:

Of course, you could be cursed with a grandparent who scores low in the "Badass Level" category. These are the kind of grandparents that have a house that smells like stale macaroni and cheese, or pull their pants all the way up to their chest hair, or tell you that you "need to learn how to keep a house so that you can find a nice man and settle down". These grandparents are the ones who call when they don't receive a thank-you note within 6 1/2 days of your cousin Clare's bat mitzvah, regardless of the fact that Clare lives in a bungalow in Arkansas and is technically only your fourth cousin twice removed, and possibly isn't even related to your grandparent at all. These grandparents think it's rude to even acknowledge your phone's existence while in their presence, yet don't see the irony when they say "You never call!" This particular species of grandparent is under the impression that driving laws have not changed since 1940 when they got their license, and are outraged when they are sentenced to traffic school for going 55 mph in a 20 mph zone. 

"Back in my day, they taught you to speed in order to pass a car!" 

"But Grandma, you were passing a school bus. A stopped school bus. In a school zone."

"They make it up just to harass a poor old lady."

The "harassing a poor old lady/man" line is one that is frequently heard directed at traffic cops, secretaries at the doctor's office, the condo association, and anyone that requires them to fill out a form.

Spoiling Score:

The abysmal ratings in the "Kvetch Intensity" category brings the overall score down by quite a bit. But the phenomenal rankings in the “Spoiling” category bring Grandparents up to a passable grade. When you get strep throat, grandparents are always the first to show up at the front door with a pint of ice cream from Baskin Robbins, balloons, and one of those greeting cards that plays “Disco Inferno” when you open it. Grandparents are also the first volunteers for any babysitting, carpooling, and entertaining needs that come up. For example, when Fantasia 2000 comes out in theaters, your grandma has no complaints when you beg her to take you to see it in IMAX. 50+ viewings later, Grandma still isn’t complaining. They sang you nonsense songs you were a baby, let you get a waffle cone even when you dripped chocolate ice cream all over their clothes, and bought you new Tamagotchi pets when your old ones died (they didn't understand how the reset button worked).


Final Review:

Grandparents are like smoothies. On a hot day, a smoothie is creamy and delicious. Grandparents are also creamy and delicious in good conditions. On a blizzarding day, a smoothie will give you frostbite. Grandparents will also give you frostbite, specifically if they disown you and cut you out of their will (this is a metaphorical frostbite). Also sometimes smoothies have unblended bits of fruit in the bottom, and then when you try to suck it up the straw a giant chunk of banana clogs it and it's just a mess. Like it's good, and you're enjoying it, and then out of nowhere it gets gross and weird. So to grandparents can be fun and hilarious, and then come out with one of those weird old-people things like talking about their warts and how their warts all have arthritis. Maybe that's just my grandparents.