Ordinarily, I find that the people who work at Dunkin Donuts are consistently awesome. They're nice, they're efficient, and they don't get mad when you drunkenly run into the 24-hour Dunkin Donuts in West Rogers Park screaming about how you are going to pee right now, and even though the guy tries to warn you about the floor you're too drunk to balance and so you slip right onto your butt, and then your drunk boyfriend runs over to try and save you and he also slips and falls, and then you both flail around on the floor for a few minutes until finally you manage to drag yourself into the bathroom on your hands and knees only to realize that you're in the men's bathroom, which you pretend you didn't notice until after you come out and slip on the floor again. And the Dunkin Donuts guy didn't even get mad that we caused a ruckus, probably because it was 2 AM and the only other people there were these old hairy men that I think live in Dunkin Donuts because they are literally always there.
Anyways.
A few weeks ago, I went with my family to Florida to visit my grandparents. On Monday morning we flew home, and I had the opportunity to wander around the Miami airport looking for food. I was cranky and tired, and I still hadn't showered from our deep-sea-fishing excursion the day before, so I felt even worse than I would have felt if I'd been clean.
So I find the Dunkin Donuts, and I check the display and see that they have Boston Cream donuts which are my favorite, and so I get in line to buy a donut. While I'm in line, an employee goes to a counter that was previously unoccupied and announces, "Anyone who is not getting a drink can come over here."
Well this is perfect, right? I'm not getting a drink. So I step out of line and walk over and say, "Excuse me, did you say that I could come here if I just wanted to get a donut?" I mean, I was super polite about it. And I was nervous, because nobody else had moved out of line and maybe I had broken some kind of Dunkin Donuts social etiquette or something and now everyone hated me and my salty sea-hair.
You'd think the guy would either say, "Yes, how can I help you?" or, if I heard incorrectly, say, "This line is actually for people who are getting muffins," or something helpful and polite like that. I mean, it's not like I did anything rude, I just asked. And I didn't ask rudely either!
But you know what the guy says?
"No, that is not what I said."
And that's it! And then he glares at me. Like I was so inconsiderate to not have been paying attention to his one stupid sentence. And I was paying attention, he just wasn't clear. And how did he know that I didn't have hearing problems or something? What if I was partially deaf, and he was all offended that I didn't hear him when I couldn't hear him, I was fucking deaf! That's what deaf means!
But I'm not deaf, and I just simply didn't hear, and so I said, "Oh, sorry!" in a nice voice and scooted back to my place in line. And I figured I just didn't hear correctly or whatever.
And then, two seconds later, the guy announces again, "I can check out anyone who isn't getting a drink over here."
Wait. What the hell is going on? I'm not getting a drink. I'm getting a donut, which is clearly not a drink. And I said that, I clearly said donut and I even pointed to the display full of donuts, so there was definitely no misunderstanding. So why am I not allowed to check out over there? Was he only checking out people who wanted sandwiches? Because he didn't say that he was only checking out people with sandwiches, he said anyone who wasn't getting a drink.
Let's break this down into mathematical terms:
Let A = donut.
Let B = plain coffee.
Let C = vanilla latte.
Let D = caramel mocha thingie.
Let E = blueberry muffin.
Let F = plain bagel with cream cheese.
The guy at Dunkin Donuts makes the following statement: Anyone who is NOT GETTING A DRINK can come check out here.
Let all drinks = X. Therefore, X = B; C; D. The guy at the counter has stated that he will take any item that does NOT = X.
Does A = X? No, it does not. So by conclusion, anyone who is getting a donut can check out at that counter.
Does the counter guy know basic logic? Does he not know that donuts are not drinks?
My theory is this: the guy said anything that is not a drink. I went over and asked if he said donuts could check out there. Technically, he didn't specifically say donuts, so he got annoyed that I was reading into his statement instead of listening to exactly what he said, and so he got all pissy about it.
Dude, you know not everyone is an auditory learner, right? You know that airports are filled with people who are tired and cranky and jet-lagged and not thinking straight? You know that some people might be genuinely asking you an innocent question, and you are totally being an asshole by taking advantage of their tired-ness to let out your obvious rage issues? Like seriously, you've never asked someone to repeat something that they just told you. People do that all the time, it's normal. Maybe you were mumbling. Did you ever consider that, asshole? People might not hear what you said not because they weren't listening, but because you are bad at talking. If you don't communicate properly, then you can't get all snippy when someone has difficulty understanding you. It's your fault that you said something stupid and/or wrong!
Dunkin Donuts guy, you get an F. Negative 3 stars, sir. You should quit and go get a job where you yell at innocent people, like a policeman or something. Actually, you'll probably just end up pulling some guy over and telling him to give you any piece of identification that is NOT his driver's license, and then when he pulls out his school ID you'll arrest him for having the bad luck to be pulled over by you. Wow I am so angry right now. I need chocolate.
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