It's pretty reasonable, really. No one wants to be sought out on the phone to be pressured to buy something, especially when the product is something stupid that no one even wants. Like getting rid of credit card debt, or saving money on your mortgage, or not paying taxes, or whatever.
You know what all those things have in common? They are all BORING. You know what would be exciting? A jetski, or a moon-bounce, or a dog sleigh. If someone called me and offered me eight huskies and a toboggan, I would give them all my credit card information in a heartbeat.
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| How could anyone say no to Balto? |
Half the time, the telemarketers are trying to sell me something I can't even physically buy. Like mortgages. I'm under the impression that you need to own a house to have a mortgage. In fact, now that I'm thinking about it, 90% of the telemarketing calls I get are for products or services related to owning a house. Do they know that I don't own a house? Even if they managed to get my credit card information, I feel like they wouldn't even be able to use it. How can you buy electricity for a house that doesn't exist? Or plumbing, or miscellaneous legal contracts, or insurance? Or life insurance? There are literally ZERO PEOPLE that I financially support. There are several people who support me, but I don't think they benefit from me having life insurance. So why do people keep trying to sell it to me?
The other thing about telemarketers is that they give me this intense inner conflict.
Below is an example of said internal conflict:
Me 1: I'm going to play a prank on this telemarketer and tell them that I'm dead!
Me 2: First of all, that is really dumb. Second, don't pick up. Just leave them alone.
1: Why? They don't have to call me. If they want to call, then they should be prepared to deal with the consequences.
2: But the actual person calling is just a call center rep. They don't really care whether you buy the product or not, they're just doing their job.
1: Well then maybe I should answer and mess with them. Maybe that little bit of entertainment is going to brighten their boring day of calling people.
2: No, it's not. Do you think you're the first person to try and tell a telemarketer that you're dead? That shit is not funny.
1: If they thought I was dead, maybe they would stop calling me.
2: Nope. Also that makes you a bad person.
1: Remember that time I told a telemarketer that they couldn't talk to my dad because he'd moved to Siberia?
2: Remember that time that you were a twelve year old idiot and thought Siberia was an actual separate country?
1: Siberia is where fun goes to die.
2: I'm hungry.
Lately, the telemarketing issue has gotten out of control. It's all fine and good to ignore a sales call if they only call once or twice, but what do you do if they keep calling? And calling? And CALLING? If someone calls me three times in an hour, then they must have something important to say, right? Plus what if it's someone that I actually would want to talk to? What if it's a friend, or a job opportunity, or a mysterious attractive person that has managed to acquire my phone number out of the ether? Or what if it's a stalker?!
But when curiosity eventually convinces me to pick up the phone, it ends up being someone who wants to let me know that I could be saving SO MUCH MONEY if I just signed up for a financial-analyst-contract-package-miscellaneous-boring-words-thingie.
And sometimes they know my name. They do that thing where they ask for you by name, which lulls you into a false sense of security, then they whip out the sales pitch.
But now I feel bad, because telemarketers are the most hated people on the planet. All they want is to sell you their crap, just like everyone else in the world. And people are really shitty to them, not just with stupid pranks but with threats and violent words and such. That kind of thing can weigh on your soul.
Also, this one time, I bonded with a telemarketer. It was a very touching experience. He wanted to sell me something else house related, and he said his name was Tom.
Tom: I was wondering if I could talk to you about a blahblahblah house thing?
Me: You know I'm like, 22, right? I live with my parents, I can't even buy that.
Tom: Oh! Uh, would I be able to speak with the homeowner please?
Me: Not exactly, this is my cell phone and I'm at school. Because I'm a student and do not have a house. And I can't give out my parents' phone numbers because I would be in really really big trouble.
Tom: Ah, I see.
Me: Sorry Tom.
Tom: That's okay. Take care!
One week later, I'm at Disney World with my sister and I get a call from the same number.
Tom: Blahblahblah sales pitch that is exactly the same as the other one.
Me: Wait, Tom!
Tom: Uh, yes?
Me: We've already had this conversation.
Tom: Um.
Me: Do you remember? Where you called me, and I was at school, and this is my cell phone?
Tom: Oh yeah, I do remember that.
Me: Yeah. Now I'm at Disney World.
Tom: Oh. That's very nice.
Me: Yep! It's a lot of fun.
Tom: Well, have a good time.
Me: You too, Tom!
Now, every time I get a call from a telemarketer, I think about Tom and I feel badly. He had a very attractive voice.
Too bad I didn't get his number! Ha ha! (Drum sound for puns)
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