Skymall Review: The Slanket

Whenever I'm sad or upset, I think about the Slanket to cheer myself up. And sometimes I laugh, and then people who are nearby look at me like I'm strange. Which is reasonable, because I am strange, but the Slanket would make anyone laugh out loud.

A Slanket is basically a Snuggie. You know how a company will make the same product as a competitor but name it something slightly similar? They call it 'off-brand', like off-brand Toms shoes, or off-brand North Face jackets.

A Snuggie/Slanket is also the same thing as a robe turned backwards and made of flannel instead of terrycloth. I hate flannel.

I'm trying to figure out what was going through the Slanket-creators' heads when they came up with the name. See, 'Snuggie' makes sense. It sounds like 'snuggle', which is what you're supposed to do with it. But 'Slanket'? That sounds like lizards and slimy, scaly, yucky things. Like snakes and ferrets. Not that I don't like reptiles (I actually LOVE reptiles), but they're not exactly soft and snuggly. Reptiles prefer to be untouched, I think.

You know you wanna touch this.

Slanket has to be the most unappealing word ever. But what if you have a Slanket designed for two people? You have to come up with an even more unappealing name.

Never fear! We have the Slanket Siamese!

Why.

Now with "double" the possibilities! We put the quotation marks so you know it's a pun!

It gets better-- the Slanket actually has its own website outside of Skymall. There is a whole section of testimonials called 'Slanketeering'. And on that page, there's a collection of pictures of people's "Slanket Adventures". Apparently a 'Slanket Adventure' is when you use your Slanket in a place that you would never even think to bring an actual blanket. Like an elliptical. Honest to god, there is a picture of a kid wearing a Slanket while using an elliptical. That cannot possibly be safe.

But it's okay, because you can bring your Slanket to the hospital after it nearly kills you.

Final thought: there is a book of Snuggie sex positions. It's called the Snuggie Sutra. I really, really hope it's a joke, because I can think of a MILLION other items that I would rather use during sex than a Snuggie. Flannel is NOT moisture-friendly. Disgusting.